The Sh*t List, Fart #1

I make a lot of jokes. People say I inspire them because I am still jovial despite my situation. Being funny is nice, inspiring people is also nice. Truthfully, living with a brain injury is not nice. This blog will be my pity party and shit list all rolled into one. I was really going to try not to make light, but the way I like to combine words has inexorably led me to tell you that this entry could also be called the "shit party".

We'll get this party started shortly - there will be shit everywhere, I promise. Before we commence, I must tell you that I will NOT pull punches. If you think that I'm talking about you - get over it, and while you're at it get over yourself. Also, I've decided that I can't stifle my need to make jokes. I'm not very good at being angry, but I'm pretty good at making with the funny, so I'll use that to bolster my angst. Here goes:

1.I hate how I CONSTANTLY think about trying to walk normally or that I should be using my left hand. I could be thinking about something fun to do with my daughter or how to increase the life of a lightbulb, but I devote most of my immediate thought to making my left hamstring work so my left leg won't snap forward - it doesn't work, I've been like this for three years now. The only thing that has really changed is my thinking that if I focus on it it'll improve. More on this later, I'm going to use the topic at hand to segue into...

2. I HATE HATE HATE it when people tell me to be patient. Here's the difference between patience for someone like me vs. everyone else. Everyone else orders something from Amazon, it comes in three days later and they complain about how it took forever. Someone like me put that same order in three years ago and we're still waiting. While we're on the subject of the stupid things people do/say...

3. I can't stand it when people say "everything happens for a reason" or "it's all part of God's plan". I've heard people say this when they lose their job or something like that - which sucks, I won't dispute that. But try losing - your ability to do what you love, your wife, all thoughts of life as you once envisioned it, articulate physical movement, and the voice you once had. Why did this happen? As near as I can figure it happened so these people could stroke themselves by offering platitudes to someone while saying "I'm glad I'm not that guy.”

The shit list is certainly longer, but I need to clean my apartment. That'll be #4 - I hate how it takes so long to do everything.

@JarrettLWilson

Potpourri

...And Jarrett decided to blog and title it "Potpourri", and he saw that it was good. He named it thus because he will ramble on aimlessly - that is to say, there will be no unifying theme. Words will spew from his mind the way vomit might spew from the gullet of a drunkard. Like the contents of that upchuck, the thoughts of this blog will spill out in the order that they are cued. First, that ham sandwich from breakfast, then the Elmer's glue he at when he couldn't find anything to eat. Oh! And here comes a fiesta - the beef chimichanga, rice and beans he had for lunch. All of this is surrounded by a brownish green sauce composed of the Equate chocolate weight loss shake he had just before binging, bile and the various alcoholic beverages he has imbibed.

The Academy is turning up the music, suggesting that I wrap up my extremely wordy and verbose intro. That being the case, I shall now vomit with the written word.

The following could be a true account of how tangential my thinking can be: Neil Young's "Keep on Rockin' in the Free World" starts playing in my car. I hear the line "Keep on Rockin in the Free World" - my mind skips to Sean Connery in "The Hunt for Red October". He's giving a speech to his crew and says that they will conduct missile drills while the Americans listen to their rock and roll. From there, Sean takes me to his role as Henry Jones, Sr. in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and we run through some of the lines of that one. After that, I hitched a ride with Harrison Ford to Raiders of the Lost Ark. In that film, Indiana's arch nemesis is a French archeologist named Belloq. Now I'm thinking of France and would like some French fries. I go to McDonald's to satisfy this craving, but need gas for the car. I drive to the nearest gas station and see how much the gas costs and get upset. Moral of the story? Gas costs too much.

I hate the microwave, it always has the correct time which is ALWAYS at least +30 minutes from the time I would prefer or expect.

The playlist on my phone always works its way around to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Stones that Roll. It's symbolic - I can't get no satisfaction from that song over and over again.

ITEM! I just remembered that I did a dye test and am happy to report that I got an A. It was a tough one, too; at one point he showed me a piece of fabric with a bright color on it. The doctor asked me "what color is this?" I really wanted to say blue, but I went with my gut and said yellow. I jest. The dye test showed that there was no obstruction in the catheter. As such, I will not have to have surgery. This further suggests that I have a VERY high tolerance for Baclofen. This fact is actually very annoying, I have to get refilled about once a month - when I first got the pump, it was my understanding that I'd need a refill every 4-6 months. As annoying as this is, I feel an odd sense of pride about this abnormally high dose - I can only speculate as to why. My guess is that it's related to my college days, where being able to consume a lot of *something* made you cooler. That's neither here nor there (what is?), the current plan is to try something called "flex dosing" - this is where the pump puts out more medicine at certain times and less medicine at other times (obviously). If you catch me between 6:30am and 6:30pm, I'll be relaxed and noodley, after 6:30pm I'll be as stiff as a board. If you catch me after midnight, I'll be in bed so get out of my room, weirdo.

One last thing - it's HOT outside (I should be a weatherman).

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

I can't think of a clever title, just read!

The time has come for me to write another entry in my blog. If you are reading this then I've published this entry and you are reading it - you are probably aware of this, but I told you anyway.

In medical news, Jarrett has been scheduled to undergo a dye study. This is a simple procedure where the patient stares at a series of shirts that have been tie-dyed and describes them (similar to a Rorschach test). This could be as simple as describing the color (for instance, "blue") to going into great detail about your feelings (for instance, "this shirt makes me feel blue"). Raise your hand if you believed that. Now put your hand down, no one can see you, weirdo. Here is what I understand a dye test to be - First, some background: in my abdomen lives a hockey puck. This hockey puck is connected to a tube that leads to my spine. The hockey puck, by some process that is best described as magic, transmits magic juice to my spine via that tube. The people that dress like doctors and use big doctor words (i.e. "magic tube", "magic hockey puck" and "magic juice" and so on), they tell me that I might possibly have a kink in the magic tube that leads from the magic hockey puck to my spine, thereby obstructing the flow of magic juice. If this is the case, I blame that dark wizard I saw driving past me in a Daewoo the other day (I don't know his name, for purposes of this blog I'll call him "Stephen". Aside: if your name is Stephen and I've offended you, I apologize, all the Stephens I've known have been good people with the exception of the Daewoo driving dark wizard). Back to the point, if there is a kink in the magic tube, they'll have to use surgery magic to replace the magic tube with another more magical (magicaler?) tube. If no kink- I will continue to receive a dose of Baclofen that would turn an elephant's legs to Jello.

In other news, Jarrett is going to get serious for a short time (not long, I promise). I make a lot of jokes, I like to laugh. I suppose I could let this condition defeat me - in many ways, it has. The one thing I can do to say "up yours" to my situation is to keep laughing and think happy thoughts. These aren't easy to do. There are times when I want to crawl out of my own skin and, if only for one moment, experience life as I once did. The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that the "old Jarrett" is ready to emerge, but I've forgotten how to be that guy - I've been locked inside this stiff, clumsy body for three years now.
I do tend to dwell on the things I can't do and get angry when I see a dad effortlessly tossing his kid into the pool. However, at the end of the day, I'm thankful to be alive to watch my daughter grow up and I'm hopeful that one day "old Jarrett" will emerge and I will know how to greet him.

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Gas is Good!

Happy June 30th to you all! This is a very special day. Today is the fifth anniversary of the June 30th that happened five years ago! Why is that day so special? I can't say for sure, but being the "glass half full" kinda guy that I am, I think it's entirely possible that something awesome happened that day. Perhaps I had some donuts or I found $20 on the ground. 

ITEM! We interrupt this trip down possible memory lane tO bring you breaking news. It turns out that cars need gas to function properly. My older sister, Jessica, and I decided to put this "fact" to the test. Turns out, the conventional wisdom on this subject is true; much the same as a sandwich needs mayonnaise (not Miracle Whip, dammit!), a car needs gas (not Miracle Whip, dammit!) Fortunately, we were very close to my parents' abode and a source of that precious fossil fuel. We hoofed it to the nearest station of gas and other modern conveniences (Twinkies, air fresheners, Miracle Whip (dammit!) etc.), and procured the world's most expensive gas can and filled it with dead dinosaur juice. A very nice fella by the name of Cornelius (I don't know his name, I just thought it'd be cool if that was his name), offered to drive Jessica back to the car. I waited while Cornelius drove her to the car. Moments later she drove up and picked me up at the gas station. Isn't gasoline great? (statement sponsored by Exxon Mobil). 

Fast forward to today (Saturday, June 30th). Jessica and I made it to my parents' house and are celebrating the fifth anniversary of me possibly eating donuts or picking money up from the ground. To help commemorate this (potentially) awesome occasion, family has come from as far away as Kansas City(!)
The multitude of visitors might have something to do with an annual fourth of July celebration at casa de Wilson and/or all the food and booze. Either way, we have to "Stack" people on top of each other bc there are so many! (You see, that's funny bc my mother's half of the family has the last name 'Stack'. As such, Stack has a double meaning - to make a pile as for storage purposes and people with the last name 'Stack'.) Why did I explain all that? Bc I'm trying to make this blog entry longer through artificial means, a technique known as "rambling". For instance, did you know that Shel Silverstein wrote "Boy Named Sue"? 

The problem I have when I start a blog entry is that I don't know when to stop. So I'm going to try something new.

FIN 

I Beep Therefore I Am

In my last blog, I mentioned that I'd tell you about the time I started beeping; so here goes - once I started beeping. THE END! This blog made possible by me scheduling a pump refill (see blog entry "Teh Pump" for more details on this process) on a Friday and forgetting to go to it - hey, lay off me, I've had brain surgery. What was I talking about? Oh yes, how to make Orange Julius - after you've harvested two ripe oranges from your orange grove (or gone to Albertson's and purchased two "oranges" - can you really call them oranges when they're not fresh from your grove?)...what an inconvenient joke, now I really want Orange Julius. Let's get back on tra... ooh! A shiny hubcap!

 You see, my pump provides a steady stream of magic juice to my spine. Some law of physics posits that the magic juice supply in the pump should decrease as it is pumped into my spine (damn you, science!) When that supply gets too low, the pump starts to beepin. Mine sounds like the adult in a Peanut's cartoon. Actually, as cool as that would be, it just makes a very monotonous, anticlimactic beep; the Peanut's sound effects don't come until I'm critically low. I joke again, it just makes the same uninspired beep sound more often. I didn't reach this point, but the idea of running out of magic juice was still weighing heavily on my mind. Listen, Baclofen withdrawal is no bueno. Everything smells like a new car (except the inside of a new car, that will smell like John Malkovich (?)), you begin to sing everything like Barbra Streisand when you talk and you won't be able to hold down any food but Corn Pops ("gotta have my Pops!) Actually, what really happens is nausea, vomiting and increased tremors (for those reading this that want to know what actually happens).

Teh daddy Jert: My daughter asked, "Daddy, do you want me to destroy you?" the other day. As she said this harps started playing and a light parted through the clouds and onto Quinn's shoulders, it was a beautiful thing - I almost wanted to be destroyed.

Similarly, Q corrected my grammar about a month ago - ever since seeing "Dumb and Dumber", I've said "we're there" when we reach our destination. Upon reaching the IHOP, I uttered that phrase and Q said, "Don't you mean 'we're here'?" At that moment, I looked toward the horizon and am pretty sure I saw a unicorn. Again, it was a beautiful thing.

It's about time for me to wrap this one up, but not before telling you the exciting conclusion to the Emmy nominated "Message from the Library" saga. Aqui – --- The exciting conclusion to the epic "Message from the Library" saga. Will the brave, debonair Wilson be able to collect all the media? Will the Cherry Bomb rain down upon the "pedagogues" with great vengeance and furious anger? Will the missing media cause a chronosynclastic infundibulum and cause the "pedagogues" to come unstuck in time? Will Mrs. *Redacted* ever stop causing so much trouble? Will the questions ever stop?

Message from the Library III: Return of the Media The Wilson looked at his spreadsheet, thought -THERE'S STILL MEDIA MISSING, WE WILL SURELY EXPERIENCE A CHRONOSYNCLASTIC INFUNDIBULUM! Suddenly, a student came to his desk and asked to check out books, the Wilson suspected that this was a ruse put on by Mrs. *Redacted* to distract him. He understood this and decided to play along. He looked at the student and said, "Welcome to the library, may I take your order? The student smiled and said, "I'd like to check these books out please." The Wilson smiled, muttered, "I know what you're up to! You were sent by Mrs. *Redacted* to distract me from getting all the media - she wants to come unstuck in time to cause more mischief across space and time!" By this time, the Wilson was yelling. Mrs. *Redacted*, sitting at a table in the library with Mrs. *Redacted*, muttered something in Spanish, they both looked at the Wilson, shook their heads and laughed. Just then Mrs. *Redacted* stood up and snapped her fingers and the library started to spin and shake.

OH NO! We're unstuck on time! Thought the Wilson as he reached for something to steady himself. Mrs. *Redacted* and Mrs. *Redacted* continued to laugh derisively. The Wilson wondered where/when they'd end up. *CRASH* The library doors flew open, and a stately knight of yore strolled in. He looked at the Wilson, pointed towards him with his sword and said, "speak quickly, brigand! From whence dost thou hail?" Knowing better than to goad a man with a sword, in the best renaissance fair inflection he could muster, the Wilson replied, "You standeth in the the presence of Sir Jarrett, of clan Wilson, I have traveled oceans of time and space to be here!"

Upon hearing the name Wilson his face grew grim, said, "It is the prophecy! Tis said that the Wilson will arrive as from thin air and, at long last, bring order..."

The library started to shake and spin again; the Wilson wondered how this could be happening again so soon (I'll tell you why, I didn't like the way the story was going so I'm pulling a deus ex machina to change directions). Finally, the library stopped gyrating and the Wilson woke up. It was all a dream. All the media had been turned in, the Wilson smiled and got out of bed to prepare for the day. He walked outside to get into his car only to find a horse where his car should've been. THE END.... OR IS IT?

Have a good summer! Jarrett

PS As concerns media, I still have some stuff out. Apparently, some "pedagogues" like to show movies at the end of the year (not me, I had them eating out of my hand 'til the final bell :).) I'm not going to put the list up again, apparently it vexes a person to have his/her name on such a list. If you still have media, you know who you are. If you don't, look at your badge - that should tell you who you are. Once you have your identity nailed down and would like to know if you have anything out, write an "electronic mail" message and send it to me, like so much FedEx. If it be the will of the Interweb gods, I will receive this piece of "electronic mail" and reply with an answer. Otherwise, please bring whatever media you have by Friday.

@JarrettLWilson

Teh Pump!

I went to the pump doctor on Tuesday to have my pump refilled and increased. I've had this pump for nearly a year and still haven't found the right dose (right dose = decreases hypertonicity to a manageable level, but doesn't turn me into a limp noodle). I suggested we fill the pump with heroin, but the doctor didn't have any, she said it was "illegal". We have to stick with Baclofen :(. Allow me to fabricate an explanation about the pump refill process -
 First, I enter the doctor's office and exchange pleasantries ("how were your two days at the end of the week?", "how is your offspring?", etc.), fill out some paperwork (all hail the mighty bureaucracy!), wait, they call me back, I go to an exam room, take my blood pressure, sign more paperwork (all hail the mighty bureaucracy!), then "read" my pump. They've never tell me what it says, but I'm guessing it reads like a Shel Silverstein limerick, such as -
"Ickle me, pickle me, refill me too,
Increase the dose while you do.
Jarrett still has tone in his leg,
So, to you I must beg,
Make it so I shoot more magic juice,
That his muscles become more loose
All this I ask of you,
When you ickle me, pickle me, refill me too."
After this "reading from the book of Medtronic" (to be cereal, the reading shows how much medicine is left in the pump, my current dose and the low dose alarm - mine went off once, more on that in the next blog), the good doctor comes in, gets a hose and funnel and pours the medicine Animal House style down my throat (Baclofen tastes like chicken). Now comes the tough part, the medicine assumes its supposed to go to my stomach - this is wrong. I have to will it into the pump; much the same as a psychic wills your money into his/her (what? They can be dudes too. Sexist!) hand. I jest, what really happens is she takes a syringe filled with magic juice, inserts the needle into refilling hole on my pump, slurps out the old magic juice (It's lost its magic at this point, so it's just called "juice"), and pumps me full of fresh stuff. Then she pulls out the needle, we cuddle, then she kicks me out. That's about it for the pump refill process. Now for part 2 of the

"Message from the Library" saga - 

 Greetings Piner pedagogues! The response to my last email was so overwhelming, I thought I'd send out a sequel and call it "Message from the Library II: The Search for More Media" - when you read that use a dark, ominous voice in your head, it sounds much cooler. In this thrilling tour-de-force, we once again join that dashing, charismatic library assistant on his harrowing quest to reclaim the lost media. In the first part of this epic tale, Sir Alec Guinness/the computer instructed the Wilson to inform the "pedagogues" to return library media to the Piner library, thus avoiding the wrath of the malicious Cherry Bomb. Upon receiving this message, the "pedagogues" sent a torrent of media to the Wilson, barraging him with media to catalog - much as a vampire would be overcome by the scent of garlic. To stem the tide of concerns about who still has media checked out, our hero, with the help of his trusty 3rd period sidekick, has gone through the media to find those that were shelved without being checked in. That labor has produced the list you are about to read. Several of you have asked me if you may keep some particular media, the answer is a sigh and an "I guess". There is no rush to get it done, just would like to have all our videos in the media room for a long summer's nap. We also have to consider the chronosynclastic infundibulum that might possibly result should even ONE movie be missing from the media room! ITEM! I have a list of "pedagogues" with DVD players. VCRs and TVs checked out, but I haven't updated it in a while (again, Mrs. *REDACTED* is somehow to blame) - so I'll trust in your magnanimity to bring back said piece of equipment if you have one. This email is too long, I'm going to stop writ... PEDAGOGUE NAMES REDACTED Help me, help you! SHOW ME THE MEDIA!

 Librarily, Jarrett

@JarrettLWilson

Eventually Has Happened!

Summer is upon us! This means several things: 1. Major retailers will be stocking Halloween merchandise (gotta stay ahead of the competition!), 2. People that are chumps are still working and, 2. The electric companies are really enjoying the heat. As intriguing as the first and last points are, let's focus on the middle point. I've decided that blogging is something I'd like to do again now that I have more time. I say "again" when I never actually stopped, I put out a weekly blog full of invisible words on thatguyisfullofsh*t.com. I really enjoyed writing the one about                             it was a riot! I got 50 or so comments (I think?). Let's get on with it shall we? Friday was the last day of work for the employees of Sherman ISD, with the previous day being the last day for the children. As such, SUMMER IS UPON US! You might be saying to yourself, I need to take out the trash, or perhaps, he already said that. My reply to this comment is twofold: 1. Stop talking to yourself, and 2. Go to work, chump :P

It's 11:45 on a Sunday and the Nazis at Albertsons won't sell me beer until 12. Good for them, I'd phone up Barack Obama right away and tell on them. Are you waiting for me to mention something substantive about the Jarrett? I've decided to get into all that on the next entry. Do you know why I've made that decision? Because it's my blog and I can do what I want, dammit. I will leave you with this - One of my jobs at the library was to keep track of the media (read: movies) that the teachers check out. At the end of the year I sent out a list of teachers that still had movies belonging to the library. Jarrett can't just say "the following chumps need to return media to the library". I concocted a story that ultimately had three parts. What follows is the first part of what has become known as the "Message from the Library" saga. Enjoy!

 CONGRATULATIONS (INSERT NAME)! If you are reading this, you have been specially selected to read its contents! You see, there are several of you that still have DVDs or VHS tapes checked out from the library that have not been returned. We are nearing the end of the school year, and the spreadsheet that keeps track of all the media we have in the library just hates when the “check in” column is blank. In fact, the spreadsheet got so vexed it actually spoke to me. In a voice that sounded a lot like Sir Alec Guinness, the spreadsheet said, “Send forth an e-mail to all the pedagogues of the Piner Middle School reminding them to return all media to the Wilson forthwith! This must be done that the Cherry Bomb won't rain down upon these pedagogues with great vengeance and furious anger!” Of this peculiar occurrence I had two thoughts: 1. How was my computer talking? Furthermore, why does it sound like Obi-Wan Kenobi? 2. Who uses the word “pedagogues” anymore? These concerns aside, I did as my computer instructed me in sending the list of those of you that have media that belongs to the library (so far as my records are concerned).

If you would like to know the name and type of media that I have you listed as possessing, use magic (i.e. the Internet/e-mail) to make a message pop up on my magical box (i.e. my computer) and I will let you know. If you feel that your name is on this list in error, it is most likely NOT the Wilson's fault - I'm sure Mrs. *Redacted* is somehow to blame. Without further stalling for time, here is the list that I was ordered to send; if your name is on the list, this indicates that you have media that needs to be returned to the library. If your name is not on the list, you...uhh…don't have media that needs to be returned to the library – 


*NAMES REDACTED*

 Contact me with all due haste if your name appears on the list above! If we don’t have all the media by June 1st, that media will spend a very lonely summer in your classroom!

 May the Force be with You, Jarrett

@JarrettLWilson